Capable Girl: Self Portrait

Sometimes life throws you a little something. You know, like finding a five dollar bill in your pocket, or getting a compliment from a stranger, or perhaps a free sample of a delicious treat. Multiply those experiences by 100 and you get what life gave me yesterday: a snow 1/2 day!

A 1/2 day was the most amazing gift to receive for me because I have been fighting a mysterious case of exhaustion all week long. My theory about the m.c.o.e (mysterious case of exhaustion) is that it's due to not enough "battery recharging." And what's better for recharging your batteries than being 'forced' into leaving work at noon?

Though I was not at work yesterday, I did maintain a full schedule. Here are little snipets from my agenda yesterday:

mandatory cat-snuggling time

'research'

an afternoon appointment. attendees: bathtub and bubbles.

a conference call with Mr. L took place here

I am a person that has always had hangups. About myself.

I am not proud of these sneeky little feelings that bubble to the surface. In fact, I have always loved being around people that completely embrace themselves, warts and all. They are the brave ones.

I have always tried to hide. Hide under big clothes. Fade into the background. Hide behind a computer screen on this blog. (Ever notice there were no real pictures of me?) Oh sure, I put on a good confident show with my words, but the truth is that I have been so fearful of judgment, it has always been easier to hide.

I guess it started as a little girl. I don't remember a time that I was ever comfortable with my body. Being diagnosed with severe scoliosis and wearing a bulky back brace for 5 years from age 8-13 just added fuel to the bad body image fire.

All of my life, I have really hated so much about my body. The hatred of my body didn't stop there, it began to spread until it consumed me. I hated my decisions, my thoughts, my words, my actions, etc.

That's the thing about hatred. It is a fire. It never stops at just one thing. It spreads and feeds until it devours everything in its wake. But, I've had a revelation.

Hatred is silly.

So, I decided to start a little project. A self-portrait project. This will include portraits of me (the physical me), portraits of my life, and portraits of my soul (though its very hard to photograph). I no longer want to hide. It's time to come out of my shell. Here goes...