P to the M to the S

WARNING: IF YOU ARE A MALE AND FEEL LIGHT-HEADED OR SICK AT THE MERE MENTION OF HORMONES, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK OR AT LEAST READ IN A SEATED POSITION WITH COLD CLOTH AND GINGER ALE AT HAND. THIS BLOG WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY INJURIES INCURRED FROM READING THIS POST.

If anyone out there has actually read my posts lately (besides Mr.L), they would notice that I mentioned PMS 1,451 times. (And that's a lot considering I have, like, 11 posts) And it's true, I had been suffering from usually unsettling hormonal distress. This happens to me a couple of times a year and they are the most dreaded of days.....and not only for me, for all those around me.

I am a sweet natured, kind-hearted person, EXCEPT during these hormonal 'perfect storms' that build energy like hurricanes. Poor Mr. L was confused my all of my vast mood swings, gnashing of teeth, and unpredictable, yet, predictably over-reactive response to situations. I tried to explain PMS to Mr. L and told him that you don't experience different feelings than the ones you usually feel, just seriously intensified versions of those feelings. I even gave him examples to give him a better understanding:

Example #1:

If you normally get a little irritated when the person in front of you is using the self-checkout (which is designed for a 4-year-old to use) slowly or incorrectly, during PMS, you want to yell at them while smashing their purchases beneath your feet and laugh at them after they start crying and begging you to stop. (Evil laughing preferred)

Example #2:

If you normally get a little sad when you break a nail because you've worked so hard to even them out, during PMS, you feel as if you life is over and you'll NEVER have even nails again. Crying, you flail yourself onto your bed, think all of all of the times you've tried and failed to grow even nails, feel defeated, ugly, and resign yourself to being ugly. Angered by this thought, you bite off all other nails to get out your frustration. More crying ensues, then there's the ice-cream eating to comfort yourself, the hating yourself for eating ice cream, feeling unbelievably obese, then crying again. It's a vicious cycle.

Example#3:

If, during hormonally balanced days, you feel a twinge of envy towards those around you, during PMS, you might start to hate those sons-of-a-gun that have it all. You start to wonder-who do they think they are, these perfect people with all of their hopes and dreams coming true? Why have none of my danged dreams come true, you ask yourself. You convince yourself that you're doomed to be an unlucky, lonely, unhappy person for the remainder of your life, and since this is bound to happen, maybe you should look into getting a few more cats. I guess I'll be the crazy cat lady, you tell yourself. No kids, no husband, no future, just you and your 32 cats. Where is the number to the animal shelter. I guess I can call them on my lunch break....

I think I may have scared Mr. L with my PMS examples, but this man needs to know what he's getting into. You know, informed consent, and all that jazz.

Since Mr. L started looking a little pale after this conversation, I put his mind at ease by telling him that these symptoms, this craziness, is all temporary. I also went on to tell him that this only happens to me a couple of times a year, thank goodness. He seemed to get his color back after that last bit.

I am happy to report that, for now, this session of PMS is adjourned and we hope it will not reconvene until Fall at the earliest. Ahhh, sweet relief. I no longer feel like a homicidal, self-obsessed, depressed, freakish, obese, future-crazy-cat-lady with anger management issues. Now, if I could just kick that ice cream habit.....