A Four Letter Word That Begins With E

Envy is one of those totally useless emotions. I don't like when it comes a-knockin' on my door, but I have to admit, lately, it is a frequent visitor.

So, it's no secret that I don't love my job. It's basically a fine job, not hard, pay is decent, hours are regular, co-workers are basically non-existent (so no co-worker drama), but it bores the everliving hell out of me. Since I have so many unoccupied hours at my desk, I do a fair amount of blog surfing. It's a fun, voyeuristic (and who doesn't like a little voyeurism?), quiet, time-filling, seemingly innocent way to pass the time. But it has a dark side effect that I don't love so much. (a nasty word of the four-letter variety.....ENVY)

I have to admit that there are A LOT of blogs out there, and most of them seriously suck if you have no vested interest in the blogger or the minutiae of their family life. However, there are some very, very talented bloggers out there that have fabulous blogs about their fabulous lives. Herein lies the problem: I get jealous of the bloggers and their fantastic lives.

JEALOUS! How insane! Envious of these people who I have never, ever met. I'm not so much jealous of the people in particular, but of their life circumstances when I compare them to my own. Don't get me wrong, I love who I am and I wouldn't want to be anyone else if you paid me a gazillion dollars, but I would love to have the life of a stay at home mom, or an artist, or a wife that gets to see her husband everyday & share a life with him.

Who wouldn't want to have the time to whip up a fabulous batch of homemade cookies, or spend all afternoon creating crafts with your kids, or whole evenings with your awesome spouse, or travel all over the world, or have a huge family that all live in the same place? I think these are normal yearnings for a 32 (nearly 33-yikes!) year old, single woman who lives far away from her boyfriend and has a crappy job that she has no passion for, and whose siblings live out of state, and is living in a retirement community. But to envy is to err, and I don't want to be that girl.

I have contemplated ceasing my blog habit, quitting cold turkey, if I continue to slobber over strangers lives and wish I were in their place. Maybe a better solution would be to remind myself that a) my position in life right now isn't all that bad, b) the grass is always greener on the other side, c) my current circumstances are temporary, and d) God has given me a particular path in life for a reason (though I haven't figured that one out yet, Big Guy).

Whew! It felt good to get that one off my chest! It's tough to say, "Hey I am so totally jealous of this person. I wish I could be doing what they are doing." Tough, but honest, and being totally honest and vulnerable is my thing these days. The truth is that I am currently in a serious in-between stage and doing so tough work to give my life some forward momentum. I think that the kids call it 'finding yourself,' and, sister, it ain't easy.

Who knows, a year or 6 months from now I may be posting about my life (which will be awesome by then, I just know it!), and reading blogs and think, "Hey, I'm so totally NOT jealous of this person. I am so happy to be doing what I'M doing." And something tells me that that is exactly what I'll be doing.