Call You Never

my shadow (picture taken yesterday at my apt building)

I have an embarrassing confession. It’s not funny-embarrassing; it’s more shameful-embarrassing. I have something very, very wrong with me. It has always been with me. I cannot keep in touch with people. I really don’t like this about myself. In fact, this might be my least favorite attribute.

I’m a happy person. A social person. I like people. I make friends easily. Why is it that I cannot force myself to keep in touch or reconnect with people? Is it a syndrome? A personality glitch caused by a brain defect?

I have a sneaking suspicion that it is a self-esteem thing. In my last post, I wrote about my self-esteem issues. I think I’m ready to address them. I mean, there is a theme that is starting to develop here, right?

The thing is this: I guess, in the past, I didn’t like myself. That led me to believe other people didn’t like me either. This then led to me being in disbelief that people actually wanted to hear from me. Now, I know that that thinking is phony bologna, but I thing that’s what’s been holding me back all of these years.

Now, since I have sucked at it for so long, I’m actually afraid of reaching out. Afraid, I say!

That’s poppycock. There is no reason to be afraid. If someone rejects me because I have not been in touch, I’ll be in no worse station that I am in now.

So this thought leads me to my new self-challenge. I am going to tackle this problem systematically. Here is my plan:

1. Contact all friends on facebook that have sent me unrequited messages
2. Then move on to non-facebook folks and actually call friends that I have not spoken to in awhile
3. Write letters to those who I don’t talk to and have received correspondence from.

I already feel better having made myself a plan. I will tackle step one this weekend. I plan to update my blog about my progress. I think I shall call this project: Operation Solidarity. Wish me luck.